Why We Settle... and How to Stop

What is settling? Settling is the act of choosing to accept less than your worth. Settling occurs when we allow others to treat us in such a way that undermines our true value. Most of us have probably heard the common mantra about how we are to not settle in our relationships. Loving parents preach this message to their children, especially their daughters, in a somewhat general and vague way throughout childhood. Women are directed to marry a man who respects them, supports their dreams and ambitions, and regularly shows them that they are the most cherished person in the world. Even growing-up in such a setting, we know the results of this preventative strategy are not always successful. I think many of us can agree we have witnessed a husband neglecting their wives’ needs, leaving her lonely, untrusting, and disconnected. That said, women are no the only victims in these scenarios. I have overheard many conversations in which women are striking their husband's ego either behind his back or in front of him and other witnesses. Regardless of the situation, both individuals have now fallen into the space of settling for less than ideal treatment from their partner.

The act of settling is not specific to romantic relationships. Right now, take a moment and count how many people you are currently choosing to have in your life that treat you poorly and/or do nothing to enrich the state of your life. Go ahead... count. How many is it? For most of us, it will be at least a handful. These are people that continue to force their way inside our circle, even if they seem annoyed or disappointed to be within close proximity of us times. These can also be the people we willingly allow to spread their negative interpretation of the world through ridicule, snide comments, and gossip. Regardless of how they get to be part of our world, ultimately, it is on us to purge them from our circle. We are not to settle for poor treatment in any relationship, platonic or romantic, that does not honor our light or the light within others.

Settling occurs within all types of relationships, including, and probably most importantly, the relationship we have with ourselves. My, oh, my... how many times do we settle for less than we know we should from ourselves? How many times do we walk instead of run, say things to our self that we would never project on to another human being, intentionally set the bar just high enough to ensure 'success,' or fail to commit effort to anything that may take a bit of bravery? We settle for salaries that are a fraction of the value our work reflects, agree to do things that do not serve us simply to keep the status quo, or refrain from acting courageously in the face of injustice simply not to ruffle any feathers. How many times have we talked ourselves out of something we wanted because it meant stepping outside our comfort zone? How many times have we talked ourselves into the same 'ole thing because we had already accepted failure in what we most desire?

We are choosing self-sabotage every. single. day.

The tough question to ask is... why? Why do we do this? Perhaps we do not realize we are doing it. Perhaps we don't realize how frequently we're doing it. Perhaps we have never heard that we are worth more or deserve more than what we have. Perhaps at one point in life someone engrained in you that you cannot have all you desire because you are not good enough to live a life in the light. Thus, we grow up running from the light and hiding in the shadows. Although recognizing the reason we settle may be monumental and move you to change, knowing the exact reason we settle is not necessary to change your chosen circumstance. The only thing you need to know is that you are valuable beyond belief. There is no one else in the world who has the same gift to bring to this world that you do. You are one-of-a-kind and hold infinite power and purpose. The only thing you need to do to stop settling, is to stop settling.

Reflect honestly on your current situation and bring awareness to the pieces of it that are within your control. When you really start checking in with this power, you will see that 99% of your life outcome is on you. Yes, things happen in this life that are truly unfair, horrific, and until they happen seem unfathomable. There are events that shake you to your soul and you walk away a deeply different person. Trust me. I have been there. Many times. These can be things that are done on to us, or, that we have done to ourselves. Regardless of the root cause of these events, WE choose how WE respond. We can sit with that major life shift for the rest of our days, locked away and closed off from the love in this world. This leads us to settling for our existence – limited relationships, lack of adventure, feelings of unease and dissatisfaction. Or, we can work through it. We can be brave and face those challenges head on. When someone devalues our human worth, we can let them keep the power of that as we perform a live broadcast of the worth they have assigned to us. Or, we can hold our power and live in our universal worth one day at a time.

There may be things that are popping into your head as you hear this. I encourage you to write them down. Some of these shifts you feel need to happen in your life may feel impossible and completely out of your control. I challenge you to be curious about that perception. What about this seems impossible? What can you do to change that seemingly impossible situation into one in which you are more supported and more served?

If self-sabotage is a common practice for you and low self-worth is a struggle you have had for some time, this process may feel strange, foreign, and uncomfortable for you at first. That is absolutely OK. Be OK with these feelings and non-judgmentally be curious about why they make you uncomfortable.

There is no one path down the road of enhancing self-worth. You may stumble- get up. Your voice may fade from time to time- find another form of communication. Your feelings may continue to be hurt- be strong and be compassionate. Hatful words cast from one person to another are simply painful feelings they have for themselves. Show grace as they navigate their feelings. That said, do not let the weight of their internal turmoil be something you offer to take off their plate. They must be ready to own their own internal process. You offering to take some of that discomfort away does not serve you or them.

Not settling involves you bravely taking new risks and putting yourself in safe but uncomfortable situations in which you know you will grow once you have come out the other side. Staying true to you means knowing your core values and checking-in with them regularly to ensure you are following your moral compass. If you are actively engaging in something that is out of alignment with who you are at your core, you must shift this behavior so it does not camouflage itself and high-jack you away from your truth. Understanding and practicing truth to oneself takes time with complex thoughts and revealing questions. Do not apologize for this quiet time. This work is difficult and infinitely important. Surround yourself with those who understand this and support you through the process.

Settling for anything less than your most ideal self and circumstance serves no one. If you are not in love with you, you cannot reflect the brightest ray of light you were meant to cast in this world. Dig deep and lovingly expose yourself to who are, what your pricelessness is, and how you are meant to show-up in the world. If you can do that, you will project this authenticity on to everyone around you so they are encouraged to find and share their completely unique gift to the world, right alongside you. xo